I wish I was as excited as people think I should be...
Translated with ChatGPT
Remember when you were a kid and you fell on the trampoline and everyone kept jumping so you
couldn´t get up?
That´s what adulthood feels like.
Adult life, you know! Sometimes, I try to enjoy that tickling sensation of bouncing around without control. I'll let you know when I've managed it...
I have been given an opportunity that few get. I'm going to spend a year getting to know myself and sorting out my personality a bit. I want to figure out what I like about myself and what I think can be toned down a bit. I know it's hard to believe, but I actually have aspects of myself that aren't all that lovely 🙈. I'm going to challenge myself to see what I'm made of. I suspect that I'm quite strong, even though I sometimes feel like a pushover when facing life. Especially if there's a little spider involved! Then I just give up 😂. But at least I'm going to do everything except what makes me feel safe in the coming year.
It all begins with the big USA trip, which is approaching way too fast! Everyone says, 'Oh, I'm so envious!' or 'You're going to have so much fun!' While my brain says, 'It's terrible to die abroad at the age of 40... or 'I won't be able to buy my mouthwash in the USA?!' There are so many small and big challenges that I stress over (yes, entirely unnecessary), but that no one else understands 😅. The thought of not having control and not following the familiar routine I've grown so comfortable with is incredibly frightening. I don't even know if I can do it. I've never done it before. So what if I can't complete the entire trip? What if I have a serious breakdown and fall back to where I was in the darkest times? The time that other people just call September/October 2013. What would I do then? I can't trust just anyone. I need my regular doctor. Only he can provide me with the right medical treatment in such situations. Or even worse! What if something happens to someone I care about back home? How would I handle that?
As you can see, I still have a lot of catastrophic thoughts that keep churning. I've become better at letting them float away! Much better, actually! But sometimes it slips, and I start spiraling down with terrible thoughts that trigger even more dreadful ones. Then, I lose faith that I can do it and begin to criticize myself. I'm not excited enough, and I'm not good enough to get as excited as Morten is when he's in the planning and excitement mood. I also don't appreciate the opportunity I've been given. I'm simply not sure if I deserve this trip at all. Or this year for that matter. Think of how many others would have squeezed every last drop out of these experiences, while I'm more concerned about which places I'll be able to relax in and which I'll have to 'trudge through for Morten's sake.'
I really wish I could just go for it! Forget all the worries and enjoy the entire process from start to finish! To ignore all the foolish thoughts and the stress that KokoMiriam pushes into my head. But I don't know how to do it! And, to be completely honest, I'm not sure if I actually need to. Because when I'm not able to find the joy, Morten enjoys it for both of us, and I contribute a lot with all my thorough research. The fact is, even if I can't squeeze every drop out of the experiences we're going to have, I still deserve it! My journey is valuable to me! And this is an important part of my journey. I've lived a life that has given me the foundation for all these worries and catastrophic thoughts. Now I have to get used to a life without them, and I'm going to build it on a foundation filled with joy, relaxation, and happy thoughts. Yes, I've actually earned it now.
So, it's the end of self-blame and excuses for taking this opportunity. I simply have the right to enjoy it my way! No one refuses colorful flowers to a blind person just because they can't see the colors. I'll get what I can and need from this trip. It's more than enough, actually. And I'm mostly looking forward to it. Even though I'm stressed and a little anxious as well. I do everything at once. That's just my way of doing it 🤪.
And folks, my way is good enough. I think it means that your way is good enough too. Enjoy it your way
Yes! I can enjoy colorful flowers in a big city. It was also a bonus that there was a grassy patch and few people too 👌🏼