Looking back

Translated with Chat GPT

On January 29, 2023, I wrote a post about depression and how I was feeling. Here is some of what I wrote.

-Here is my truth! My life is perfect! Seriously! I am really happy! Normally. But right now, I am sad. A part of me is not good enough, not skilled enough, not kind enough, and certainly not worth the praise it receives. Why do I feel this way? Why do I sometimes not believe what people say? I was good enough this summer! More than good enough, actually! Is it like the better I feel when I'm doing well, the harder it is for me when I'm not doing well? Do I raise my expectations along with my happiness? Do I dare to wish and dream more? But then KokoMiriam sneaks in from the side and knocks me off my high horse. And since this horse gets higher and higher every time I master something new, overcome a challenge, or defeat the darkness, the fall becomes longer. Because the higher you live, the longer the fall. Is it worth it? I think so. Even though I'm tired now and think it really isn't. But I look at memories from the summer and think: Damn right, it is!! The good feelings are so incredibly good to experience!-

I've thought a bit more about some of those questions. Because I didn't have many answers then. Not that I have many more now, really, but I have some thoughts anyway.

Thinking face

Why do I feel this way? Still have no idea, but still conclude that it's part of life. At least when you have a full backpack of experiences.

What makes me sometimes not believe what people say? I've understood that this is a common thing for most people. At least Norwegians. We're not very good at praising ourselves and not good at accepting compliments from others. When I can't believe in myself, I can't believe in others' praises of me either. Fortunately, we can learn it! And some are really good at it 🤩

Is it like the better I feel when I'm doing well, the harder it is for me when I'm not doing well? A big fat NO! on this one. At least I don't feel that way right now. I still have tough times. I live in Norway. One of the world's best countries to live in. But it's incredibly dark in the winter. It affects me no matter how much I stare into my light therapy lamp. But regular exercise and nature experiences in good weather can compensate for some of the darkness. But there will probably always be some melancholy in me during these periods. And I can handle that. Because spring is right around the corner 🌳💐

Do I raise my expectations along with my happiness? Yes. At the same time, I'm learning that expectations don't always have to be met for something to be successful. Because sometimes I simply have wrong expectations. Then I have to remember not to lock myself into a mindset but stay open to more possibilities. See solutions and not break myself down because things turned out differently. Different can actually be very fun!

Do I dare to wish and dream more? Absolutely! I've realized that I deserve success and highs. So I'm going to wish for it and dream bigger than I ever have. Simply because I can. The worst thing that can happen is that things turn out differently And I just wrote that that can be fun! So win-win.

I get to spend time with my 🧡’s and a lot of time with my hero 🥰 Plus I get to to new things. All because I dream bigger!

Is it worth it? I think so. I still believe that. At least I enjoy highs with all of me! I explore lows to learn as much as possible. That way, the down is not only negative. So yes, I think it's really worth it. Now that I'm feeling emotions too, it becomes even more worth it. I dare to be very happy because I know I can manage to be very sad without it breaking me. I'm not destroyed by being sad. I'm not destroyed as long as I make sure to fill my backpack with equal parts good and bad experiences. I don't need to only remember the downs. Some clever researchers have found that we humans are put together so that we need 5 good things for every bad thing we experience. But we more easily remember the bad feelings. So I take a lot of pictures to be able to look back on the good experiences. And when things are a bit extra tough, I remind myself to look for the good things I have/have experienced.

So, if you're going through a tough time, I highly recommend doing that. I'm a big fan of putting out into the world what you want to receive. So say your dreams out loud! Wish for things from others! Share thoughts just because it feels good to share them with someone! Do it for yourself. Because you want it. Often, it's only us who stand in our own way. And if it doesn't happen right now, it might happen later. Some things are worth waiting for 🤩