I couldn't do it

Translated with Chat GPT

Recently, I posted this status on my own Facebook.

This translates to

I thought I could, so I did! I took hold of my life and am learning to live it. Yes, I am lonely sometimes. I get a little bored now and then, too. But I really love my life! Everything I share through Koko Miriam.no and the blog https://www.kokomiriam.no/ helps me a lot. And knowing that it helps others too makes it even better!

And that's completely true. I feel that way. But not every hour, every day. I have moments where I feel like a useless burden. Or that I haven't achieved as much as I imagine. I also doubt my ability to accomplish what I truly want. So, I put a lid on it all. Put a lid on dreams, thoughts, hopes, and feelings. Because it protects me. But I've started to lift the lid a bit. And it's not always cool. Sometimes it's downright terrible. I haven't felt real, deep-seated emotions for several years, I think. I can sometimes be overwhelmed by them. Cry and stuff. But only for a few minutes. Then I put them away. Slam the lid shut and secure it all with a ratchet strap. I like it that way. Or, liked is probably more accurate to say. Now, I've started to feel a bit of them. A bit of self-confidence, a bit of joy, and yes, a bit of sorrow too.

I'm in the process of tapering off thought-racing pills and a plan to feel my emotions. It has made me feel my emotions now! It's really exhausting! Before, I was exhausted if I felt emotions. Now it's more common. I can, for example, cry for others. ME! I who didn't used to cry for myself even. It's really weird. But that's one of the things KokoMiriam has taught me. That life gets better if I let in all the emotions. Before, I thought I was going to die if I felt them. Because they were so intense, and I was so scared of them. Now I understand that they are an important part of life and bring more joy. Even the painful emotions. I don't quite like it yet. But listening to anxiety and trusting myself has given me some really nice moments.

During the Christmas holidays, I experienced crying over something that happened to someone else. It didn't directly affect me, but I was so incredibly sad thinking about all they were going through. It made me cry. The kind of crying that made Morten once again drop everything and hug me tightly. It has happened a few times lately, but never because someone else is going through something painful. I said to Morten: 'We must not tell anyone about this. I don't want people to know that I feel emotions and crap.' Morten laughed at me. Loud and long. He usually does that when I make such statements. Because fortunately, he sees through those silly statements. I'm not inhuman. And I don't want to come across as insensitive. I just haven't quite managed to lock in the idea that emotions are not a sign of weakness. I forget it sometimes. And then I still angrily wipe away the tears and joke it all off. Because it feels like I'm weak and vulnerable when I cry. And I can't allow myself to be that. I look forward to having the idea that emotions are strength and an advantage in life firmly rooted in me. So that it becomes my default. Not to wipe away tears irritably while scolding myself for being so visibly weak.

In the USA, even the bottles believed in me.

So, my plan is to quit these (previously very, very necessary) pills altogether. I've come down to one in the morning and one at night now, feeling a sense of achievement and pride! So, I bravely continued after two successful weeks on this dosage. I decided to cut out the one at night. Brilliant! During the day, I can still become quite intense if I don't take them. So, I probably need to learn a few more tricks before that time. On Thursday, I went to bed without a single pill in my stomach! Yes! The first two nights, after reducing to one at night, were challenging with some intense nightmares, so I was prepared for that again.

However, that's not how it went at all! I lay awake for several hours that night. And if I fell asleep, it was only for a short while before waking up again with a flood of insane thoughts.

But I bravely tried one more night. The night to Saturday. I woke up more often! And the thoughts raced away just as delightfully. Some are normal, like remembering things or worrying if Sebastian got home, etc. Some are mean, like wishing Morten couldn't sleep either because he lies next to me sleeping soundly. Some are bizarre. The one nightmare I had when I reduced to one pill was wildly scary. It was about aliens on Earth. And for the first time, I cried when I retold it to Morten the next day because I felt the fear and helplessness again. This nightmare came back to me around 03:15 this night, leading to a cascade of thoughts about it. What if it wasn't just a dream? What if this is the dream and that was reality? What if it happens again when I fall asleep now? Do we have any guarantees that there are no aliens on Earth? Is Morten an alien? Am I?

Not easy to fall asleep again. Plus, I was still hungry. I felt that when I was awake from just before 01:00 until I lay irritated and felt it until just after 02:00. Is it okay to eat when you wake up at night like this?

Also, I can't breathe. My lungs are too small. Or have I got a lung disease? And the pillow is all wrong. It used to be so good. Now it's lumpy and gross. The back itches, and I'm warm, but I have to lie in bed and under the duvet. Outside, there might be monsters and aliens. Was that the shadow of something moving in the corner? Yes, you get the idea. While all this is going on, Morten lies there like an oblivious, happy, and content snoring machine. Traitor!

When life is too tough

it's nice that Morten comes with tissues and understanding

It's 4:30 PM on a Saturday evening before these feelings return. We talk about what we envision for the future, and suddenly my eyes start leaking again. I don't cry properly, just enough for a few tears to come, and the lump sets in my throat. I haven't quite mastered this crying thing yet. It doesn't feel good at all!

Together we conclude that I don't need to stop the last two tablets I take. One every 12 hours isn't bad. I have no negative effects from them, and I've just barely begun my journey to 'get better.' I'm now balancing right on the edge between 'I can do this' and 'this is going downhill fast.' So, a bit of safety rope for a while longer is acceptable.

Whether Morten says this because he's afraid of what I might do if I have to watch him peacefully sleep one more night, I'm not sure. But at least I couldn't quit the medications entirely yet. And I accept that. Maybe more later, but I know it's the right thing. It feels a bit like a setback right now, even though I know it isn't. I will become even stronger, and then I'll manage it. Morten is proud of me for trying, and that's good enough for now.

I hope your Sunday is warm and calm, and that you've slept well. I have 😴