Christmas holiday with adults only
Translated with Chat GPTSebastian is an adult. He has been for almost a year now. I like the adult version of Sebastian just as much as his teenage and childhood versions. But he's not as interested in hanging out with his mother all the time anymore. I think that's one of the reasons why I've had a reduced Christmas feeling this year. I wasn't sure what this holiday season would bring.
Another thing that is different this year is that Morten is working. A job with shifts and 8-hour days. So, I've had a lot of thoughts leading up to this Christmas. Am I going to be alone a lot? Get bored a lot? How will I fill the days? What should I fill them with? Ugh, I'm probably going to feel really bad and fall back into that depressed anxiety lump I was.
These are quite unpleasant feelings to enter Christmas with. No wonder my fingers are chewed up, and my mood is a bit so-so. I've handed all control over to other people. I've made myself dependent on others to be happy at Christmas. That's not how I should do it anymore! Of course, I like having family around me. Enjoying time with Sebastian. Waking up to breakfast with Morten. But this Christmas is different. Sebastian is different, Morten is different, I am different. So, it's natural that Christmas will be different too!
I have, therefore, decided that I will start each day without expectations. That's very unlike me. I've always had a plan, an idea of the day, or an expectation. This Christmas, I will work on enjoying what I get. I'm not talking about gifts, but what I get in terms of time with others. And most importantly, time with myself. I get time alone for working out, meditation, relaxation, and walks. That's not bad either! Plus, I've got some bonuses! I got some chill on the couch time with Sebastian. Chattering time with him and his girlfriend. Every evening with Morten by my side. And visits from good friends.
So, when all is said and done, this hasn't been as lonely as I feared. I had just placed too many expectations in my mind, preventing me from seeing it that way. I'm pretty sure this is a feeling many experience when their sweet little ones grow up, and Christmas isn't as it used to be. They need to live their own lives. Even during Christmas. I fell back to the time when we had breakfast together before heading out to the ski slope. Met for lunch, did a bit more skiing, gathered for dinner before finishing the day in front of the TV. That was just a little while ago, what the Christmas season used to be. I liked it. Now it's different, and that's okay. Now it just feels like the beginning of the next chapter of our lives. Exciting!
A third thing that might have influenced how I experienced the pre-Christmas period is that I've made a decision. I've decided that I am strong enough to face life's challenges without medication! So, I've started tapering off my small but necessary dose for the racing thoughts. It's not like I no longer have racing thoughts. Not at all. My brain is working on multiple levels, with various themes, all at once. The brain is like the squirrel Hammy. (Reference: "Over the Hedge" movie) It jumps around and constantly discovers new things. I zone out in the middle of a conversation because I remembered something else, saw something beautiful, or heard something. I'm not rid of racing thoughts in any way. But I'm pretty sure I won't get rid of them by taking pills. It just suppresses them. And it has been my salvation for a while now. I really needed those pills.
Mortens new workplace for the winter
Fortunately, it's right below the apartment, so I can drop by when I need one of his smiles 🥰
Not easy to see, but he's in front of the lift helping people get on.
But now I feel like I'm ready to face that turmoil and learn to tame it. I've acquired incredibly useful tools lately. I've even got some keys that have simply opened up some obstacles for me. So now I'm going to tackle this squirrel like a mother handles a stubborn three-year-old on a sugar rush during Christmas. And I'm going to do it without medication. So far, I've tapered down very cautiously. It has given me sore fingers because I unconsciously pick at them, and some nightmares/restless sleep. But I actually handle that quite well. I've crossed out the goal of quitting entirely before the new year from the plan. I might need to take it a bit more gradually than I initially thought. Partly for my sake, but also for those around me. I become a bit more challenging to deal with when I don't take them. And I probably become meaner to myself when I can't sort out my thoughts completely. It naturally gets a bit messy when all tabs are open and running simultaneously. So I forget things, repeat myself, and have to ask several times about the same thing because I got distracted during the answer. So it's going slower than I hoped, but it will get better! Eventually.
For next year, I don't have any specific resolutions, but I have an idea I plan to implement. I saw it on Instagram and decided right away that I'm going to use it. I'm going to have a box where I'll put a note each week. On that note, I'll write something nice that happened that week. So on New Year's Eve 2024, I'll open the box and read about all the fun and lovely things I experienced that year. Doesn't that sound insanely fun?! It's bound to be a delightful moment on New Year's Eve. And a fantastic way to rewire the brain to focus on good experiences every week.
The jar I decorated for 2024
Maybe you also have a creative way to sum up your year? If not, you're more than welcome to use this idea that I've borrowed. Perhaps I should open my jar on December 1st instead. Because I actually believe it can help me appreciate what I have and not stress away the entire Christmas joy next year.
I hope you're left with good experiences after this Christmas season and that you enter the new year with renewed courage and optimism 🤩
If you ever have distressing thoughts, there's always someone to contact, whether it's someone you know or an organization like https://mentalhelse.no/ if you are in Norway, https://mentalhealthhotline.org/ if you are in the USA. If you are some where else, please see if you find somewhere to seek help. It is NEVER wrong to ask for help. It's the bravest thing you can do for yourself. You deserve to be well! 🧡