Fear of Fear Part 2. The Depression Part
Translated with Chat GPT
The light at the end of the tunnel. It means everything when the darkness is all-consuming.
This post continues from the previous one, but here I focus on depression. Because even though panic attacks are scary, the darkness that traps you in depression is at least as frightening!
It's lonely because no one can reach you when it's darkest. It's scary because you don't know if it's going to get bright again. It's inhibiting because all future is gone. It's just dark.
When I started to get better, the fear of falling back down came! I don't want to go back there again. Even though the thought of suicide was never there for me, there were no plans for anything either. Part of me didn't want anything, dream anything, wish anything, need anything. That part grew and took over more and more. I'm so lucky to have many wonderful and wise people around me. So I got help, support, and understanding. That made it possible for me to move up. And now I'm well on my way out of the cave that swallowed me.
But it takes effort. I set goals for myself. I work on myself and find new knowledge that can help.
What happens if I get tired again? Will the darkness win again? So now I'm afraid of the darkness too. Here I actually choose to listen to fear. Because it reminds me that I have to focus on the good things in my life. Keep my eyes forward and make sure I keep moving forward all the time. I can work on myself and stay happy. And I can remember that if I sink a little, it's part of the journey. Just don't focus on it. Focus on all those who stand around the edge of the crater waving and cheering me on as I climb up again. It's not dangerous. It's part of life. Ups and downs.
One thing I'm more afraid of, however, is being alone. Not just being by myself, I manage that somehow 😅 But being all alone. The thought came for the first time when Morten wrote a living will before he was to undergo surgery for cancer the first time. Then it came again when he got really sick and had to undergo surgery again. When he came out of surgery with sepsis and kidney failure, I got really scared of that! The doctor took me into a small room and explained what had happened and what they envisioned going forward. But my brain was completely locked on widow, widow, widow. I ignore this fear! Because if I give in to it every time it comes, I won't get anything done here in life. And this is a fear I suspect others may also feel from time to time. I just got it shoved in my face for a while. Now I just have to accept that living is dangerous and you do it until you don't do it anymore.
Fear is a good thing to have, but it's tiring to focus on. So use it for what it's meant for. Protect you! Don't let it decide for you. You have to do that yourself!