Apropos the fear of the fear

Morten getting ready for dinner. He will, of course, make extra so we can freeze some. Then we will have good dinners when he can’t use both arms also.

It turns out that the chemotherapy Morten had has affected his body in more ways than we thought would happen. He was actually so fragile the year after the treatment that he tore off some of a muscle in his calf while doing downhill skiing. Other things have come up too that have been caused by the chemo. I don’t think any of us would have been without it, but it sure has done some weird things. Anyway! So we found out that again he has torn off parts of a muscle again to the extent that he has to have surgery to fix the elbow. No biggie. BUTE!!! We mustn’t forget KokoMiriam! She is convinced that routine surgery is deadly. Because last time Morten was in for routine surgery, they were going to remove the part of the colon where they had found polyps. It ended up with a duodenal probe, weeks in the hospital, more surgeries, stoma, sepsis, kidney failure, cancer, chemotherapy, and many more words I NEVER want to hear from a doctor again.

So now KokoMiriam is strong in her conviction that this will go shit! I have to remind myself regularly that even if fear is a good thing to have, this fear is not good. It’s restrictive. It wreaks havoc on my head and scares the soul a lot! I want Morten to get well! But I am crazy scared of what can go wrong. Now I know from experience because Morten has had more surgeries than average, I think that I like waiting alone. If the waiting time is short that is. I would not have been without my fantastic cousin when Morten was on the surgery table for hours during the first surgery of his cancer trip. I plan to be by myself during this surgery, but I will entertain my brain while observing people in a city environment. It is not my everyday experience so it will be fun. The days leading up to the surgery on the other hand I am not a fan. There will be many battles between KokoMiriam and myself. The hope is that I can convince myself that not all routine surgeries end up with life being turned upside down. I will not necessarily become a widow by a simple elbow surgery. Sometimes surgeries go as planned.

I can tell you that having panic anxiety and a husband who has surgeries frequently is not very copasetic. Fortunately, my husband is so fantastic that he gets everything set up ahead of time. Unfortunately, that can trigger the anxiety a little extra. But I work at taking one battle at a time, and there are still a few days to go. So I will focus on dinner today instead. I do like food. So today Morten will make some great food. So I will accept the anxiety every time KokoMiriam pushes it on me, recognize it, and let it float away like a leaf in a stream. Because that battle I will not have today.

Take one day at a time people. And enjoy every second of every day as much as you can.

Translated by Kari Boisvert