Done being a good girl!

Translated with ChatGPT

I've been very concerned for a long time about making everyone like me. Everyone should think I'm fantastic in every way. If they don't, I must have done something wrong, and I need to fix it immediately. The constant need to please everyone has made me stop putting myself first every now and then. Instead I put myself on hold or undermined my own value. I can remember a few times when I've made a completely selfish choice. But for the most part, I do things so that others will like me. Don't get me wrong; I can be selfish now and then because I have periods where I exclusively focus on myself, talk about myself, and cater to my own needs. But that mostly happens at home, and it's primarily when I'm unkind to myself, pushing myself so far down that I can't see anyone else because it's too dark. In those times, I am selfish in a different way. Being completely selfish, doing something just for me because I want or need it, is something I'm not very good at. I aim to improve in that regard.

So, it's time to stop being the good girl who always says yes. I'll occasionally say no, but I'll keep being there for people. I don't want to become a complete hermit. But I will say no if I can't, don't want to, or don't really have the time. I'll make my choices based on my own desires, not what I think the other person wants me to do. I'll also respond with what I believe is right, not what I think the other person wants me to say. So if you ask me if you look good in that dress, be prepared for an honest answer 😂 Just kidding, I'll keep my filters. I won't start offending people or imposing my opinions on others. I'll just consider my own needs a bit more. Maybe I can alleviate some of the pressure I've put on myself. I have ridiculously high expectations of myself. I've based them on what I THINK others expect of me. And as the good girl, I've certainly added a little extra so I'm sure not to disappoint. Disappointing people is the worst feeling! I don't like it at all. So I've been ignoring my own needs to avoid disappointing others. This has made me believe, in the end, that everyone else is worth more than me. Because that's what I keep telling myself. "No, Miriam. What they say is more important/correct, so do that instead." And that's not being kind to myself. I can have a right opinion too. I can do well, and I can handle most things.

I hadn't done a headstand since I was a child! Here, I did it for the first time, one evening after my workout. And I did it just for me, but as you can hear, Morten is as proud of me as I am of myself 🥰

So, I've decided that I'm going to consider myself a little more. For instance, I can speak up if someone I'm hiking with is going too fast for me. Or I can decline an invitation because I don't feel like being social at that moment. I can also let someone know if they say or do something I don't like. Because I deserve just as much respect as I give to others. I'm going to try to focus on this in the coming months. It might take some time to unlearn the habits I've developed over the years 😅

Another thing I'm going to address is that I've reached a point where I desperately want to fulfill all the wishes of my amazing SMART WATCH!! How crazy is that! A watch!! It tells me to stand up, so I stand up. It tells me I can still complete the rings, so I go for a walk or do something that burns enough calories and counts as workout minutes to close the rings, and then my watch praises my effort. This watch was a Christmas gift I got in 2020. I really wanted it and I love it. But the pressure I put on myself because of this little device isn't easy. I have completed all three rings almost every single week! (Stand, Exercise, Move) That's almost 150 weeks! I've completed the monthly challenges in 26 perfect months out of a total of 34 months. So that's 8 months where I haven't done exactly what this little wristwatch has asked me to do. It's crazy how dependent I've become on completing these goals. It stresses me out not to meet them. I've gone for a walk when I'm sick just to close those rings. So now I'm thinking about breaking the streak soon. To get it over with. It's not easy at all! I might be able to drop the monthly challenges. At least take the pressure off them and go with the flow. But those perfect rings for almost 150 weeks... That won't be easy!

Encouragement from my little friend. As well as some of the badges it tempted me with, enough to make me overcome anything to achieve them.

Another thing I had to stop myself from was Duolingo. A language learning app. I started with Italian on it. I stopped myself at 1000 days. I was completely obsessed with completing one lesson a day. I had an alarm on my phone so I wouldn't forget. Every day at 6:00 PM. The problem is that I'm not always at home at 6:00 PM every day. So I had to remember to do it before I went to social events on the weekends. If I forgot, I would sneak off to the bathroom. It's super weird to sit in a public toilet and speak Italian into your phone as quietly as you can. I didn't want to be weird... 🙈 But it happened several times. I had some courses I was good at, so I could take them just to get the completed badge on my app. I couldn't disappoint my phone either, you know!

I received this one while I was at home. Not in a public restroom 😅

Neither of these were because I wanted to. I HAD to! I had started, so I was obligated to do it. I couldn't just disappoint that poor app or watch that did nothing wrong. It just wanted me to... a little more. And that's what I want to stop.

I did things because I had to, not because I wanted to. It started that way, but then I think I've committed to always doing it. WRONG! I can decide if I want and when I want. Soon, I'll take a day where I don't close the rings. And then I'll think through what I want before I say yes out of obligation to others' expectations. Expectations I don't really know if they have, but that I assume they do.

I'll remember that I am important, and my opinions, thoughts, and desires are important too. I am a valuable person who deserves exactly what I am willing to give to others. So, going forward, there will be self-praise and kind words about my thoughts, ideas, and feelings. I really hope you try that too. Because you're pretty valuable as well.