Rollercoaster Life
Right now, I’m up! Last week, I was down, scraping the bottom. I was angry, sad, exhausted, furious, uncertain, stressed, and tired. Everything inside me was tangled, and my brain went haywire. I was really mad at Morten for dragging me into something I clearly couldn’t handle. And to top it all off, he didn’t seem to care! He just drifted through the day like nothing was difficult! Totally ignoring my needs! That’s how it felt to me anyway. When I ran into the locker room and silently screamed at the mirror! I stomped my feet and mentally punched the wall. I couldn’t actually punch it because that would hurt. I cried until I was sobbing and was ready to give up the whole thing.
Both Morten is my husband Morten, but we keep work and home separate 😅
I dried my tears and washed my face. Shook my body and head a bit before going back out. Then I stubbornly went to Morten and said I was going home. I wasn’t going to deal with this! As I said it, I realized I was being a little princess, but no way was I backing down! I felt a little bit different after I had written down some of my feelings and had something to eat though. This is what I managed to write before work mode kicked in and I could behave like an adult woman.
Breakdown!!
I’m exhausted! I’m cranky! I’m in pain! And I have a completely empty social battery!! These are my feelings right now! I’ve fallen back into old habits, really. I’ve started planning and expecting things. I plan for things to go a certain way and expect people to react in a certain manner. That rarely happens. Because people are different and things happen! I’ve managed to let go of this for a good while now. But now it’s back. This makes me very tired! I use a lot of extra energy planning and trying to predict what’s going to happen, but it changes all the time! So then I start over again. Plan based on the new information and give it another chance. It’s way too exhausting! I’m probably not cut out to function in the social world...
After closing I talked to Morten. We talked as colleagues, and I explained what was overwhelming me and what I needed from him. That helped a lot. Because of course he’s not heartless or uninterested in what I’m struggling with. It’s just that he also gets tired and overwhelmed sometimes. Who would’ve thought?! After we finished work, we got in the car and I cried and complained to Morten on the way home. Then we were husband and wife and no longer colleagues 🤪 Because we usually manage to separate the two. Thankfully 😅 Now it’s been a week. I had time to clear out some of the chaos with a run and some me-time in the morning the next day. After that i felt better.
Then Morten was going away for two nights! Was that why I broke down? I have no idea. But neither of us expected me to handle those two days so well! I managed really well! I faced several challenges thrown my way, both at work and privately. And I handled them like I’d never done anything else! It’s crazy how much I’ve developed recently. Thinking that I wasn’t cut out for the social world or that I had fallen back into old habits is ridiculous now. At that moment, it really felt that way. Now I see that I just had a breakdown and nothing worse than that. I just got back up and dusted myself off. Right back to where I was. So, once again, I feel like I’ve come so far that I can now handle falling. That’s kind of how life is. A bit up, a bit flat, and a bit down. It’s just normal. Am I just normal then? I wouldn’t think so. But I don’t think I want to be normal either 😅
This weekend, I got time off! And I got to go with Christie and her son to their cabin!! Exactly what I needed! Maybe I invited myself a little, but that’s allowed sometimes 😇 She couldn’t know I wanted to join them if I didn’t say so! So, I got a day with relaxed energy and some chill fun 🥰 Thanks, Christie 🤗
Now I’m recharged and ready for another round of long days at work! The feeling of improving is great and worth it! I hope you feel a bit of that today too 🧡