Translated with Chat GPT

It's Thursday afternoon as I write this. I had to sit down and write a few words today.

On my way to the office, I was listening to the radio. I don't usually do that, but I turned it on instead of spending time finding Spotify on my phone before driving. Shortly after I hit the road, I heard the news. This is actually why I don't listen to the radio. At times, like now, I can't deal with life outside my bubble. This morning, it burst! A person died in a car accident in our small town. It's small enough that you usually know someone who knows someone. I texted Sebastian as soon as I got to the office. Something in me said he might know who it was.It turned out to be a young girl. Around Sebastian's age. Probably on her way to work or school.

The day went by. Sometimes these thoughts crossed my mind. Every time, I got a lump in my throat and felt sad. The thought of how quickly life can change. How quickly something can alter all the plans you have. My thoughts then wandered to how unbelievably far down the hole I fell when we experienced our loss. The thought of how unbearable it must be to lose a child you've had for so many years. I don't even want to think about it. I push it away and aside!

As the workday draws to a close, I head home. I've done the shopping and agreed with Sebastian that we'll have dinner at 5:00 PM. Fortunately, I've talked to him several times during the day. It's always good for me when my brain takes me on a dance around the hole. On the short drive, I passed Sebastian heading in the opposite direction. He waves and greets cheerfully. That's when the tears come and press a little harder. He's out driving. On the road with other cars. He's a skilled driver, but does that always help? Life turns fast! Sadly, not always for the better. I just got a terrible reminder of that right in my face! Damn, it's so awful to live in a world where such things can happen!! I want him to go home, sit in the middle of the living room floor, and let me wrap him in a bubble with his own air purification system. It should be made of kevlar and never be able to be destroyed. That's the only way to make sure I never experience anything bad happening to him.

I understand that's not a way to live. I understand, now more than ever, that ups come because you've had some downs. I understand that mastery becomes greater when you've experienced setbacks. I understand all this. But sometimes I don't want to deal with it. Sometimes I just want to live in my world with rainbows, unicorns, and pink clouds. I don't want to remember that tragedies strike the innocent. I don't want to feel painful emotions. Some days it's just too much! Those times, it should be allowed to stop impressions from the outside. Take a day off from being an adult and just forget. Forget that youth can die. Forget that life can end at any time. Forget that there's injustice and evil. Just crawl into the bubble and rest there for a while. Now that I'm better at recognizing and accepting my emotions, I need those days sometimes. Not because I don't understand that evil exists and tragedies happen, but because I don't quite know how to handle them yet. So it becomes an overload of emotions.

I'm trying to figure out how others handle such things. What I can do when they come and how much I should allow them to affect me. For me, it's new and unfamiliar. I've only ever ignored them. Because this is one of the biggest triggers KokoMiriam uses against me. This is her foot in the doorway to the door I'm trying to close. Here she sneaks in fears, catastrophic thoughts, crises, unforeseen events, and anything else that can go wrong. She bombards me with worst-case scenarios. Sebastian suddenly leads an extremely dangerous life! Everything he does is life-threatening. There are flammable gases, oncoming cars, crushing dangers, explosions, mean people, dangerous diseases. The world is insanely dangerous!!

That's why I take breaks from news and the world around me at times. I'm not experienced enough to handle a lot of emotions yet. I can still suppress them and ignore them. But it leads to an increase in anxiety because I can only do it consciously. Subconsciously, KokoMiriam is preparing the catastrophic thoughts so that when I can't keep them down anymore, everything comes flooding in like a spring flood! Eventually, I'll probably be able to hear about such things and think rationally about them, but not yet. So, dinner that day was spent talking about this. We talked about who we were most afraid of losing. Who it's completely unnatural to lose early. And how incredibly sad it is when it affects young people. We're the kind of family that talks about most things, but we also joke about a lot. We also joke about serious things. It's probably our way of dealing with it. Dealing with talking about it and dealing with hearing the thoughts of others. So, we joked a bit at the dinner table that day too, but we were very serious about one thing. How sad it is, how painful it must be for the relatives, and how glad we were to have yet another dinner with all three around the dinner table.

Some days you need a reality check to appreciate exactly those things. Family dinner, safe family members, and friends. Yes, the things we usually don't think about. But from tomorrow morning, I'll crawl back into my bubble for a few days. Shut out the world a bit, and enjoy the little things in everyday life.

Like the things I have pictures of below here.