Christmas feeling with a touch of performance anxiety
Translatet with ChatGPTFor me, performance anxiety is that lump you get in your stomach when you think about soon having to meet someone's expectations. Some experience it when they have to be on a stage, speak up in front of a group of people, or even in the bedroom with a partner. We've probably all felt that lump, the sweat collecting in our hands, and the tight collar of the sweater. Maybe you also get a little ringing in your head. I certainly do. I'm really bad when it comes to pushing myself to do things that give me that feeling. I've helped Morten set up various events over the years. When he asks me to speak into the microphones to test the sound, I get dizzy. It's not like he's asking me to perform an impromptu self-made poem or sing a song in front of a thousand people. He's asking me to say a few sentences into the microphones so he knows how the sound is. And, nobody is really paying attention anyway. But to this day, it has never happened! I can't do it. I can't even pick up the microphone and say a few simple words. And I rarely have trouble speaking, especially not when it's to Morten 😅 But that's how it is for me. And I know I'm not alone in that.
Morten is not afraid to be on stage, whether it's for fun or seriousness. Yes, that's him in a dress, portraying Åse Kleveland in the local revue.
But one thing I've been thinking about lately, now that we're approaching Christmas and all that. I sometimes feel that I have to perform there as well. That I have to have Christmas ready and brimming with the Christmas spirit. People decorate earlier and earlier. Stores bring out Christmas displays earlier and earlier. Christmas parties and festivities start in November. So sometimes, I feel a bit of performance anxiety around Christmas and the Christmas spirit. I'm not necessarily thinking about buying gifts and all the commercial aspects of Christmas. But rather the Christmas feeling and joy. I feel that if I don't have the Christmas decorations out and start wearing Christmas sweaters by December 1st, I'm just like the Grinch and should move far up into the mountains. Now, it happens to be that I spend a lot of time in the mountains on Geilo right now. But I can report on Christmas pressure here too. Because that's what it feels like. A pressure.
The Christmas sweater has been taken out and worn once so far. There will be many more before Christmas is over! 🤶🏻
I have to quickly interject here that I love Christmas! Claiming otherwise would be a lie. I find it incredibly cozy to hum along to Christmas songs while wrapping presents. The best part is seeing the joy in the kids when they open something I've spent time making or finding the right thing in the sea of choices. For me, that's the Christmas feeling—being able to share joy with other people. And it doesn't just come because the calendar says it's December 1st. It has to come because I'm doing Christmas things with other people. I can't force it. Just like I can't force out a few sentences when Morten wants to check the sound. So when I meet people on December 8th, and they say, "Are you ready for Christmas?" Of course, I'm not!! Of course, I'm behind the rest of the world because I'm waiting for Christmas to actually arrive. But when it does, you guys! That's when I enjoy myself a lot!
I'm also used to Christmas Eve not necessarily being a fixed date but the day the family is gathered. As a child of divorce and a mother to children of divorce, I've gotten used to it. Now I've accustomed myself to Christmas Eve being the day Sebastian is with me. So the real deep-down Christmas feeling doesn't come until he's sitting next to me on the couch. With his Christmas stocking in his lap and his pajamas on. While we wait for the big Christmas breakfast. It's not always so grand, but it's always a bit different than other days. And that's more than good enough.
That's when my Christmas feeling hits like thunder. Sometimes I think about how we could have had a ten-year-old sitting next to us on the couch while we wait, but I don't want to dwell on that too much. We always stop by Max Sander's on Christmas Eve and decorate a little. So, he is with us in a way. But it still hurts not to have him next to us on the couch. If I give it too much space in my mind, it might consume all of my Christmas spirit. There are probably many things influencing the Christmas feeling. This year, I'm curious about how it will be now that Sebastian is an adult. He will still come stay with us during Christmas, but he has his own life where I'm no longer the main focus! That's how it should be, but it feels strange too.
This makes me think a bit about how some people have more Christmas spirit than others. Perhaps there's a reason for the differences among us. Maybe some don't like Christmas because it's lonely, heavy, or just painful to think about. The Grinch movie isn't just nonsense. Everyone experiences this time a bit differently. But, before I step on anymore toes right before Christmas, I think this Grinch should finish writing and wrap some gifts instead. Because now, I'm starting to feel the Christmas spirit. (By the way, it's December 13th as I write this.) We're actually having our first Christmas Eve this Saturday (December 16th).
So, let Christmas begin 🤶🏻
I hope you have a fantastic third Sunday of Advent and that the Christmas feeling and joy come just when you need them. And remember, it's okay to hunt for them a bit if you want to 😇🤶🏻🧡
I did that recently, and it was lovely 🧡⭐️
