Progress!!

Translated with Chat GPT

A year ago, I wrote two posts here on the blog. Fear of Fear Part 1 and 2. They were about my fear of panic attacks and the fear of falling back into depression. Here's an excerpt from a paragraph where I describe the frightening darkness that engulfs me when I'm depressed.

"It's lonely because no one can reach you when it's darkest. It's scary because you don't know if it's going to get bright again. It's inhibiting because all future is gone. It's just dark."

These are uncomfortable and scary feelings to have. The period when I felt like that is behind me. I haven't felt that way in a long time! I've had small moments where I've been tired and down, but this is something entirely different. This is an all-consuming darkness that destroys profoundly. So having experienced it is actually a blessing for me. It means I've felt something that many others feel, so I can relate and support. It means I've been in a place I really don't want to go back to, and therefore, I consciously make choices every day to avoid ending up there again. It has given me a perspective on light that allows me to appreciate it often (at least for now). I'm actually grateful for that. It may sound strange, but it's quite nice to be able to look back on something that I thought would never end and see that there's actually a year between me now and me then.

Me sitting og the grass, enjoying the sun 😊

Me then was optimistic, but tired, depressed, and self-centered. I wasn't capable of giving. I had reached my bottom and had just enough strength left to accept the help I needed to get back up. Me now sits safely on the grass around the hole I was in and enjoys the sun on my face. I have many people around me, and I enjoy their company. I have something to give again. I have the energy to see the small things I can do for those around me. I have the energy to appreciate the small things those around me do for me. I have surplus energy, and it's so incredibly awesome!! A year ago, I realized that I was on my way up from the darkness. It was going to get brighter and brighter, but I never thought I would become as strong and tough as I have! I'm so much further along than I imagined!! I'm in a place in life now that feels very right!

I still have four months left of my different year, but I feel like I started that year a little early. Plus, I feel like I've worked so much during the months I've been going through that I'm actually done. But I'm not, and I won't stop. Because one thing I've learned is that I really can't, or shouldn't, plan too much in life. Because the life that just happens is the best life! Continuing to get to know myself better, continuing to strengthen my self-esteem, and becoming better at looking within and around myself are a big part of the plan going forward. I don't plan to lean back and think, "goal achieved, now I can sit down." I want to continue to enjoy life and everything I get to experience. Become better at appreciating the opportunities I get. But most importantly, appreciate all the amazing people I have on the lawn around my hole. Those who help me fill the hole again and cheer me on when I stumble a bit. Those who enjoy life in the sun with me and make it so worth working to be present in my life!

These two are my VIP`s. Moments with them make life worth doing.

My progress has given me the ability to see and appreciate those people. Some have always been there. Some come and go a little. Some have come recently but feel like they've always been there. Being able to give back to those who dragged, cheered, lifted, and supported me out of that hole is something I greatly appreciate. It's not because I feel like I owe them something. It's because I'm so grateful that they gave me time when I needed it most, that I want to give them time as often as I can. Because suddenly, they're the ones who need my time. Whether it's for a short hour because of an annoying incident at work, a weekend because they need a recharge away from everyday life, or a funny text message after a long day reminding them that they are valuable to me.

This surplus energy and clarity in my mind are another sign of my progress. Not all energy goes into keeping my head barely above water. I've actually come so far that I forget what day it is. Last Sunday, I actually forgot to post the post in the morning because I didn't think about what day it was. It was unimportant in the joy of doing tasks before the restaurant opening and preparing for Easter visits from lovely people 🧡

I hope your Easter was as relaxing as mine. Breaks from everyday life that don't require a clock or calendar are the best! 🧡

My goal is to be this relaxed 😅