Our very first post
June 18th, 2022. Married for 11 years and crazily happy
The year is 2022. We recently celebrated being married 11 years.
We have been thru a lot together;
Cerebral hemorrhage, cluster headaches, IVF, pregnancy, miscarriage at week 20, colon cancer with metastasis followed with chemotherapy (chemo started the day Norway closed down), and temporary stoma. So we have had plenty of challenges, which has allowed us to get even closer as a married couple.
But the miscarriage was the most difficult for me. I suspect this is where my anxiety started. To lose control of your own body. To not be able to stop it from destroying all our dreams, plans, and desires. It is the worst experience I have ever had in my life. As a consequence, I have lived for nine years with anxiety.
For a long time I have said that I have anxiety, anxiety does not have me. As long as I decide or allow it, I have a form of control. “I allow the body to have a panic attack now.” “I’m deciding that I am too tired to expose myself to this now.” “I have really tried, it is OK that it didn’t work out this time either.” That was a lie. I faked myself through life and did what I thought was best. And it worked after a fact! I got through life in a good way. I was involved in a lot of fun things and experienced a crazy lot of fun. I had a lot of friends and was often social. What not many of them knew was that I could start an ordinary workday throwing up because I was so stressed or anxious about being able to master the day. I spent hours “getting dressed in self-confidence” before going to a party. I’d lay awake for hours making lists on the phone before girls’ trips. Morten would assign me roles (hostess, backstage responsibilities, etc.) if he had an event. We planned and went through all scenarios we could think of before big events. Morten and I would walk up the return path after a ski jump fest in the Vikersund ski slope, or I would visit the arena ahead of time. It could also be that Morten emailed the organizer ahead of concerts so I could have as much information as possible ahead of the event. AND I MANAGED AMAZINGLY MUCH MORE BECAUSE OF THIS TACTIC!! The problem was that I/we used a lot of time and energy doing all these measures. Time we could have used to enjoy life.
In 2020 Morten became sick and was eventually diagnosed with colon cancer with metastasis, and life made a 180-degree turn. Now he was fighting for his life and I was hanging on as best I could. Suddenly I had to make decisions alone. I had to make a birthday party for Sebastian without Morten there to fix and make magic his way. And Sebastian’s life should not be influenced by Morten’s illness, so it had to be done properly. Sebastian wanted a family birthday and LAN in the living room with buddies. So that was what had to happen. I drove to and from Sandvika where Morten was almost every day. I did the shopping and made food, did laundry, follow up on school, and work a little. I was grateful to a doctor who put me on compassionate leave for a while, but this became very overpowering to me, but I did it! It worked! Morten got better and I became a little stronger. I had actually managed all that was thrown at me, and if I may say so myself, I did it well too.
So, then the old everyday glasses were replaced by pink “I can do everything glasses”. For I had managed everything!
Chemotherapy was done, stoma and hernia were fixed. Now the new life started! Healthier food, more activity, and working out. We started going for walks together. Not just in the mountains (we have a cabin there), but gradually daily walks around the home. Suddenly we had a regular thing going for a 30-minute walk almost every night. We talked together (me for the most part of cause), or we just walked together.
That became the start of the start. We had started taking back control both of us. Morten by deciding that he would not let cancer destroy his life. Me by starting to think of a real challenge. A once a lifetime challenge that would help me take back control of my life. Control of the anxiety that had, secretly controlled my life to a much greater extent than I realized.
We had talked about driving across USA. Fantasized about buying a B&B in Italy. Doing things that would really fill up the joy of life tank. We had planned to do this at some point. By the time we retired at least, perhaps a little earlier. But as often happens when one experiences serious illness, one sees life differently. And that’s what we started doing. Because what were we waiting for to happen? Sebastian was 17 now, and in 2023 he would turn 18. What were we waiting for? What if one of us got sick again? What if one of us were injured? What if life once again threw a big roadblock in our way? NO! We are not waiting any longer! We can and will cross the USA next fall. We can and we will work at a ski resort next winter. We can and we will participate in projects to fill our life joy tank.
It is the best decision I have made in a long time! It actually doesn’t even scare me. I know there will be challenges because I won’t be in control of everything all the time. I will not spend most of my time in my safe home. I will not be going to the safe job I am so familiar with. I will not be surrounded by my safe, good people.
I am leaving all this! I will embrace the anxiety I claim to have owned all the time. I will squeeze it like a child squeezes a stuffed animal. I will look it in the eyes and say, “Keep up with me if you can!” for now I am in charge! I am sure I will cry, throw up, and hate life at first, but I think this can be the beginning of the beginning for me. I will have Morten with me all the way, and then I can do anything. The difference will be that now we have to face the situations WHEN they arrive and not worry about them BEFORE they appear. I will learn how to live life. Really live it! Not just be in it. It will be tough, but it will be worth it. So I just hope I am cute enough through it all that Morten can stand the madness.
Translated by Kari Boisvert